october check in

"you do not yield"

I’m back to the blog for the first time in over a month and it feels so good and so right. I can’t get writing out of my mind. I have been getting major pings from the universe lately about it. If I’m being very, very honest with myself - I feel like writing a book is the adventure that my heart is craving next. I’m not sure if there’s just a story bursting to get out or if a higher power is guiding me into the future, but it feels SO RIGHT. But for some reason I have locked that dream up in a box. I have been RESISTING IT. I don’t know when I became like this…someone who is scared to start new things! When I started The Common Room I had my entire website built, designs made & ordered and product photos taken within TWO WEEEKS. It was making me a full time income within 2 months. Slay <3

A few weeks ago I paid to watch the Sarah J. Maas livestream. First of all - SHE IS GLOWING. Mommy. Second of all - she was talking about how she was “going through some shit” when she wrote wrote the first draft of Crescent City 3. She finished it…. and she didn’t like it. She said it felt off. SO SHE SCRAPPED IT. She wrote a second draft of House of Flame and Shadow in 5 weeks. (108 more days until it is ours.)

I have been in my “going through some shit” era. It’s really giving me the ick for myself to be in the trenches for this long lol. I want to be SHINING LIKE THE SUN. I want to be PASSIONATE. I want to be living my life in the “writes a second draft in 5 weeks” era. But honestly I feel like I’m a bit of a hopeless cliche lately. “The girl who tries something new, it doesn’t go how she hoped and now she never wants to try something new again.” I love writing…because it sounds so stupid when I write that out. Not in a shamey way, but in a NOTHING IS DEEP WAY. I have been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender with Connor and *enter Sokka voice* oF cOurSE NOt EVerYtHing IS gOINg to wOrK oUT!!!!!! I’m so glad that my photography business wasn’t a wild success because back then I was cosplaying as someone I’m not. As an EXTROVERT. Quitting my photography job and hiding in the abyss of my in-laws basement for 3 weeks while reading Harry Potter led me into the arms of my future…bookstagram / double digit harry styles concerts / my best friends / MONEY / the best stories I’ve ever read.

So okay. I moved to my favorite city in the world and realized it’s more of a “godlike travel destination” place than a “live here forever” place. I totaled my car. I miss my friends. I had an existential crisis about if there is an afterlife (THERE’S NO PROOF OF ANYTHING *pulls out hair and screams.*) I had to negotiate my warehouse contract and it took 45 days longer than it needed to take. I am ALSO having allergy attacks every time I sleep in my bed (the universe kicking me while I’m down. AM I ALLERGIC TO MY MATTRESS!?!? THIS IS STUPID!!)

But I’M STILL A BAD BITCH. Well, I am more of a….soft bitch rn. I have slowly curled into myself again, just like when I quit my photo business. And just like that that quiet, vulnerable time in 2017, the fantasy characters that glimmered into my consciousness came back to me. Six years later, I sat on my couch and re-drafted my idea for a fantasy novel in 3 days. Hence the writing inspiration!

I have been baking pumpkin bread and warm, comforting soups. I have been listening to Sweet Nothing and Roslyn by Bon Iver. I befriended the orange cat with thumbs in my neighborhood. I am 7.5 books deep into Throne of Glass. I literally have never felt closer to my fluffy, orange dogs. Like they are my SOULMATES and I just get to be their guardian and comfort person from puppy-hood on? CRY!!!!

And guess what? Because my parents encouraged my inner, feral, homeschooled child who wore flare jeans with skorts and believed she could do anything - I HAVE GOTTEN US OUT OF THE WAREHOUSE LEASE. For the first time in months I can listen to my tears ricochet and not want to vomit, scream and die at “I CAN GO ANYWHERE I WANT…ANYWHERE I WANT JUST NOT HOME.” I can’t believe I’m saying this…we’re coming HOME. We’re moving back to Utah.

I have so many feelings about our Oregon adventure, from feeling like I failed to feeling like it was a gift. Connor and I have seen so much magic here, but we realized that the greatest magic of all is our friends and family. And despite constant trips and phone calls…we didn’t stop missing them. Leaving them after every trip still ached as much as it did the day we moved. And even though I think Oregon is singlehandedly the most lush and ethereal place I have ever lived, my soul will CRACK OPEN if I don’t get back into the Utah mountains. I had this spot called “sunset spot” I would drive to every single night the summer of 2021 / 2022 to read and I didn’t realize how much I would miss it. I didn’t realize how much I would miss all of it.

It feels like that scene in Little Women when Beth asks Jo, “Do you miss him?” (Laurie) and Jo says “I miss all of it.”

But I feel so lucky that I can move back and not question if I’m where I’m meant to be. Without a doubt, I know where I belong.

Maybe I’m someone who is scared of failing…but what if it’s not that deep? Maybe I’m someone who knows what it feels like to try on a life and say “this is heavenly in doses, but long term it isn’t for me.” I can’t imagine why I would ever stick with something that isn’t for me. Life is short and there’s no proof of an afterlife (*SCREAMS*) so I’m going to go back home. I’m ready to scrap it like Sarah J. Maas did and write a new draft.

Nothing can change the fact that Oregon is sacred to me. It remains one of my most special places in the world. It will be even more special to come back because I won’t live here lol. I have learned the treasures that this city holds for me. I know where I can get the best breakfast bowl in the world (POA Cafe), that there is a man who does mind altering magic tricks at a table in the Powell’s Bookstore cafe and that the random water spout on the side of the road halfway between the city and the coast has the clearest, freshest water I have ever drank.

I’m going to soak up every last indulgent moment here. But I also have a notes app of things I must do in Utah immediately (SNOWBIRD SPA, AF CANYON, SUNSET SPOT, CITY CAKES & CAFE BAKERY, MONTHLY MOVIE NIGHTS WITH THE GIRLIES, CRESCENT CITY 3 RELEASE PARTY.) So ready.

Thanks for reading this through! I hope that it makes you feel less alone to hear the inner dialogue of a girl in her 20s trying to figure life out. You and I? We’ve got this.

xoxo,

Hallie